Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
last night I used snow as a chaser
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
