I could have mohawked her pubes.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
