I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
