i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
