so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Can Purell be used as lube?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
