i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
