i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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