I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
