Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
