the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
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I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
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so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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