My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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