A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
