You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
