Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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