it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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