you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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