just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
