god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
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Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
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I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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