Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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