i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
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i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
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I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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