I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
