why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
