He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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