I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
