i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
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