I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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