If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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