when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
