I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
