So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The beer is more important than you right now.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
