What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
