I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
