i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
