Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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