so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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