you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
