i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Sext me about skeletons
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
