She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
