Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
