omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
