My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
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when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
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There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
you made out with another girl for some wings
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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