I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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