Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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