Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
