a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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