she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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