so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
