He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
