The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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