I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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