my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
