I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
