walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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