new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
