Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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